I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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