I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
