i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
