Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
this beer tastes like vomit already
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
