If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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