it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
