Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
