He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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