I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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