Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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