Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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