my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
