I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
