You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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