Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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