I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
