I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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