it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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