my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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