I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
