Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
