Don't make out with my wife yet
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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