My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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