like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
