he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
