I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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