Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
