just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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