I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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