I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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