I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
