tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
