Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You know, be my cock's hype man.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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