Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Even my vagina gasped.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
