She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
