When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
