do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
