Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
