Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
