your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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