Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
