Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
