Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
