Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
