I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
