I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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