Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
