i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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