i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
