my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
