Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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